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Learning How to Swim

by Mackin The Destroyer

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1.
I’m learning how to swim I hold my breath beneath the surface Ration my oxygen My parents watching makes me nervous I’m terrified Does it really make a difference if I Come back up for air? I’m at the bottom of the pool wondering What the hell is even up there? I don’t know My crown of paper straws I watch it dissipate in seconds (Oh, God) Feel my heart pull me down It’s either cement or solid gold (La la la la la) Does it really make a difference if I Shoot you up a flare? It’ll probably fizzle out in seconds Will it even make it up there? I don’t know, I don’t know Well, I’m drownin’ I’m circlin’ the drain How the hell did I get down here? A thousand oceans on my chest Might as well just disappear And I hope I do ‘Cause it feels so permanent Someone tell me I’m just passin’ through I’m learning how to swim I forget (and then I remember) I take all deep breaths ‘cause God (Knows when I’ll get another) //
2.
They took a picture Of a black hole, baby A billion times bigger than the sun Now it fits in my pocket I put a picture of you Under my bed In case I never see you again Oh, I wish we were talkin’ There will be no comfort in this I’m afraid you want more love than I can give Caught in the strangest abyss And I miss you (Ooh) In the summer, We were tadpoles, darlin’ Paintin’ portraits on the floor I would sit in your pocket And now the lakes Are all frozen over Countertops & rotten honeydew And now that we’re honest, It took so long to get honest There will be no comfort in this I’m afraid you want more love than I can give Caught in the strangest abyss And I miss you (Ooh) I wanna feel close(r) to you You should just come over Do you want to? I think I want you to Sooner or later, All stars cave in Even ones like me and you Get pulled to the middle Yeah, beyond time and gravity You will be one with me One day //
3.
I’m at the bottom of a barrel behind a motel with no vacancy makin’ plans to make plans for the future. I was supposed to be someone by now; I’m still fumbling in the dark - tryna make a downward spiral look like the latest dance move. I’m feeling anxious in the alley sittin’ on some throwout furniture, tracin’ all my scars with magic marker, chewin’ all my fingernails right down to the bone, yeah I’m talkin’ to myself out loud just to drown out my thoughts (they’re coming back). But you don’t have to feel this way. It’ll all make sense in due time. You don’t have to feel this way. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I used to be such a romantic - I’d watch the sunrise from the rooftops, stay up all night long grasping at The Cosmic Nothing now I close Pheonecian blinds ‘cause I’m an apple in reverse: sugar in my stomach/poison on my skin...come take a bite. You don’t have to feel this way. It’ll all make sense in due time. You don’t have to feel this way. At least not forever, now. And you know you can fall in love again. You did it once before now. And you know you can fuck up now and then ‘cause who do ya know that doesn’t? You’re so easily upset it wasn’t always this and the older that you get, your anger feels more out of place by now you should be more graceful in your agony well don’t you know it’s all the rage to feel so empty and alone despite your punk rock tendencies you are no different but you can find your way back home if you make maps out of the stars they’re probably dead by now but they’re still up there, trying, to say something say something just say something. You don’t have to feel this way. It’ll all make sense in due time. You don’t have to feel this way (at least not forever). You don’t have to feel this way. No, no, not forever. You don’t have to feel this way. But you already knew that, didn’t ya?
4.
I'M A LITTLE DESPERATE I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE RED-EYED AND RECKLESS A KISS IS TOO MUCH BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH NO, NO OH, I'LL BUILD YOU A HOUSE, BABE RIGHT IN MY RIBCAGE PLENTY OF SUNLIGHT WILL SHINE THROUGH THE HOLE IN MY HEART SO, LOVE ME I SWEAR I'LL LOVE YOU BACK IF YOU LOVE ME I'M SERIOUS LIKE A HEART ATTACK YEAH, I'M SERIOUS OH, I'M SERIOUS I THOUGHT OF YOU AT BREAKFAST I WAS EATIN' FROZEN STRAWBERRIES THEY WERE SO COLD BUT INSIDE I KNOW THEY'RE SWEET AND I CAN'T TELL IF THERE'S BLOOD IN MY TEETH OR NOT OH, I'LL BUILD YOU AN AIRPLANE WITH MY LUNGS AS ENGINES, BABE AND WE'LL NEVER CRASH 'CAUSE I'LL NEVER STOP HOLDING MY BREATH YEAH, JUST LOVE ME I SWEAR I'LL LOVE YOU BACK WON'T YOU LOVE ME? I'M SERIOUS LIKE A HEART ATTACK YEAH, I'M SERIOUS YEAH, I'M SERIOUS AAH!! (OOH) OH, I'LL BUILD YOU A FIRE ESCAPE I'LL MAKE THE LADDER OUT OF MY VEINS YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME YOU LIKE (BUT PLEASE DON'T) PLEASE LOVE ME I SWEAR I'LL LOVE YOU BACK WON'T YOU LOVE ME? I'M SERIOUS LIKE A HEART ATTACK LOVE ME I SWEAR I'LL LOVE YOU BACK WON'T YOU LOVE ME? I'M SERIOUS LIKE A HEART ATTACK OH, I'M SERIOUS YEAH, I'M SERIOUS OH, I'M SERIOUS I AM SERIOUS //
5.
Well, if wine just makes you sad Why do you drink? And if folksongs feel so good How come you don’t sing? And if voicemails make you angry Then why do you call back? If colors make you happy Why do you wear black? If parties make you nervous Why do you go? If you only read the headlines How do you know? And if you feel so defensive Then why do you attack? If colors make you happy Why do you wear black? Creature of habit I know ya too well And you think it’s easier With all that comfort But I know ya too well And you still got the itch Even when you scratch You slam the door But you don’t close the latch And the light is overwhelming Even just through the cracks If colors make you happy Why do you wear black? Creature of habit I know ya too well And you think it’s easier With all that comfort But I know ya too well And I know That you’re serious about this And I know If you were here with us You’d wanna talk things out So c’mon, c’mon Creature of habit I know ya too well And you think it’s easier With all that comfort But I know ya too well I know ya too well Well, if God just makes you mad Why do you pray?
 And if you hate California
 Then why do you stay? And if love can only break ya How is anyone still intact? If colors make you happy
 Why do you wear black? //
6.
Intermission 03:49
Waitin’ for a call I think you got my number Tally the love in retrospect Askin’ for a friend Are you doin’ okay? I’m throwin’ my keys across the fence So call me when you get this I just wanna talk I’m feelin’ like a kid I don’t know how to reach ya I hope I see ya at the show And I’ll dig through the trash Lookin’ for confirmation I’ll bring it in case that you still go So call me when you get this I just wanna talk I can’t help if I’m helpless Oh, I just wanna talk AND THE HEART GOES BACKWARDS NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THAT LOVE CAN BE FORGOT AND YOU KNOW THE STILL HURTS SO DOES MOVING FORWARD TELL ME WHICH IS WHICH 'CAUSE I THINK I FORGOT I only ever stay Until the intermission It’s too hard to watch a good thing end We collide and we part Like nuclear fission And the broken glass just cuts my hands Again and again So call me when you get this I just wanna talk Am I selfish or selfless? Yeah, I just wanna talk AND THE HEART GOES BACKWARDS NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THAT LOVE CAN BE FORGOT AND YOU KNOW THE STILL HURTS SO DOES MOVING FORWARD TELL ME WHICH IS WHICH 'CAUSE I THINK I FORGOT If only I could talk (to you) 
 (Yeah) //
7.
Well, I’m not even hungry - I’m just bored I’m just spinning out for the two of us Yeah, I’m exactly like you - I’m just lonely I’m just freakin’ out for the fuck of it Killing time Swallowing oxygen Turn the lights down
 Back up again Are you still here? I wish you just say anything I’m a nightmare You’re wide awake Well, God can’t even touch me - I’m too fast Time is fake, but I’ve got plans tonight Just give me some attention - I’m all sparks Nothing good will come of this (unless we let it) Killing time Swallowing oxygen Turn the lights down
 Back up again Are you still here? I wish you just say anything I’m a nightmare You’re wide awake Well, what if I was easy? And what if I was good? Don’t think about it too much All love is incomplete I think about you so much You don’t have to love me //
8.
Vampires 03:19
I am living with vampires in my room They are startin' to freak me out I should be gettin’ my angel wings here soon I am dyin’ to finally be alone Bought a bucket of flowers I could burn Kept a couple to give to you Still deciding which language I should learn I am dyin’ to finally be alone And you know that it’s exactly what it seems I’m just paranoid and waiting I am melting my rings and chandeliers I am running for president I am saving my true self for the day When I can vanish and finally be alone And I am trying to Frenchkiss my concepts Show the mirror my photograph Someone’s pulling my ribs out from my side I am dyin’ to know if it’s me? And you know that I’m too terrified to think That I’m just angry and projecting It’s far too convenient that they’d be Locked in every room just waiting Yeah, I highly doubt that (but I highly doubt most anything) I am living with vampires in my room In the shower and in my car I am starting to think that it’s a joke “The Idea of Trying to Be Alone” I am living with vampires in my room I am trying to catch my breath I am starting to get sick of the sun And I am dying to stop dying //
9.
It’s the mornin’ It’s already been a long day Thinkin’ of you And how come you went away Forever tracin’ shadows in the dark And my bedroom Is heavy and empty And the basement’s flooded With water you sent me It’s only ever slippin’ through my palms I wish I could cry Well, you talked about love So unembarrassed Maybe it’s supposed to be like this Whatever I’d be happy for ya if I wasn’t sad I wish I could cry (Yeah, yeah) And I love you
 I know that now And it’s over I know that now But you’re out there Floatin’ ‘cross the floorboards Of somebody else I think I need some time (alone) See ya again someday (I hope) It’s just different now (And I wish it wasn’t) (Ooh, ooh) //
10.
No Tiger 03:06
There’s no tiger on my tail There’s no boogeyman under the bed where I sleep There’s no demon in the dark I’m still shakin’ Got a monkey on my back Got a skeleton at home that I keep in a drawer Got a scar across my chest I’m still achin’ Yeah I’m freakin’ out But, don’t you wanna dance with me baby? Don’t you wanna walk slow? Don’t you wanna sleep with both eyes closed? And breathe real easy, now Swallow spiders in my sleep There’s no wonder why inside I’m always spinning out Swimmin’ scared like a shark Like stillness would kill me And I swear to God that I can change the past And the future, babe (I’ll do one with each hand) I’ll shoot the albatross and wear it’s wings I’m gonna fly me home But, don’t you wanna dance with me baby? Don’t you wanna walk slow? Don’t you wanna sleep with both eyes closed? And breathe real easy, now I hear echoes all the time Of the sirens that sheltered my mother from harm They will bellow and decay I know I will Don’t you wanna dance with me baby? Don’t you wanna walk slow? Don’t you wanna sleep with both eyes closed? And breathe real easy, now //
11.
Hangin' Out 03:23
You’re at the bar I think I’m seein’ stars I like the way that you put your hair up Fresh-ironed shirt My eyes are in the dirt I got a lot that I wanna tell you It’s okay I got nowhere else to be anyway I’m just killin’ time ’til you come around I’ll be hangin’ out Spacklin’ walls Screenin’ phone calls Hope I get what I put in here Wanna feel at home I wanna feel less alone I guess I’m hopin’ that’s what you feel It’s okay I’ve got nowhere else to be anyway I’m just killin’ time ’til you come around I’ll be hangin’ out (mm) It’s 3 A.M. I lost my voice again Pushin’ trees down, hopin’ you hear ‘em But nothin’ moves If nothin’ moves it Sittin’ here hopin’ I could move you It’s okay I’ve got nowhere else to be anyway I’m just killin’ time ’til you come around I’ll be hangin’ out //

credits

released November 12, 2021

Written & Produced by Mackin Carroll
Mixed by Joey Messina -Doerning
Mastered by Tess Greenham
Drum Engineering by Keith Armstrong
Cover art by Bella Porter

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This album is dedicated to Leonard Cohen, sad kids, and Dempsey, my childhood dog. She fuckin’ ripped.


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All songs recorded at: The Gospel Swamp in Los Angeles, CA
(except the following):

Drums recorded at Pietown Sound in North Hollywood, CA
Drums recorded at Black Diamond Studios in Boyle Heights, CA

1. “Learning How to Swim”

Dick Carroll - Whistling
Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums*

2. “Black Hole Song (I Miss You)”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums*

3. “Anxious in the Alley”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums
Quinn D’Andrea - Background Vocals

4. “Frozen Strawberries”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass

5. “Creature of Habit”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums
Quinn D’Andrea - Background Vocals
Sara Mulford - Keyboards

6. “Intermission”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass, Drums**
Carter Couron - Drums
Quinn D’Andrea - Background Vocals

7. “Not Even Hungry”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums

8. “Vampires”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums

9. “I Wish I Could Cry”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums

10. “No Tiger”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards, Bass
Carter Couron - Drums
Quinn D’Andrea - Background Vocals

11. “Hangin’ Out”

Mackin Carroll - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Keyboards

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Mackin The Destroyer Los Angeles, California

One time I snuck out of summer camp to see The Postal Service 10th Anniversary show at The Greek. I bought a grilled cheese and a beer with a fake ID. I ate, drank, and cried alone. It fucking rocked.

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